Canada poem/speech thing

[Quesadilla]

This was an assignment for my US History class - we had to find a subject and write about it, describing it and quoting it. Most people did real people (boring people) and the teacher said that you could do a non-person and have quotes by people talking about the subject.

As you can see, I obviously did not follow the instructions exactly. I completely changed the project hahah. My girlfriend was like ":/ This is going to get you a D at best"
which kinda sucked for her when I got the highest grade on the assignment out of all of his classes. She was angry lmao. When I sat back down after presenting it amidst quite a bit of laughter, I saw him wiping a tear from his eye from laughing so much. WIN
(It's supposed to sound ignorant, and I wrote it trying to think of how an ignorant American would think.)

Quote:

Hey, I'm Canada, eh.

I'm a country located geographically north of the United States.

One could say that I like being on top. (INSERT INNUENDO FACE HERE)

Eskimos and hot women love to live inside of me

and maple syrup is my main export. (INNUENDO FACE)

I have an army, I promise!

It's just that it's primarily Mounties.

No, not the guys who don't smile and have the tall hair.

Those are the Queen's Guards of the United Kingdom.

My people think they're pretty awesome people, though.

The Queen's Guards guard the Queen from, like, death and stuff.

Back on topic, though.

Cold and barren,

my land is, like, chilly and stuff.

It's split into three regions:

English Canada, French Canada, and Michigan.

All of my land is covered in ice.

Vanilla Ice once visited.

He looked around and expected more,

but all he saw was

"Ice, Ice, Baby" (rap this sucka)

My inhabitants are still unsure about the "Baby" part.

Research is being conducted to uncover this mystery.

What we found so far is that Mr. Ice has a baby tattooed into his vision.

People like to play hockey inside of me (oh god not more innuendo)

This is due to the amount of ice there is.

Compared to the United States,

my soda tastes crappy.

This is because I don't use high fructose corn syrup.

Notice the obesity rates in your country and the obesity rates in mine.

Ha! Silly Americans!

You may think you're fancy down there,

what with your fancy automobiles and flying metal machines,

but up here in Canada we clearly come out on top (ba-dum TSSSSSS)

, for we ride around in dogsleds.

I am ruled by a prime minister,

his name is Stephen Harper and he looks very Canadian.

The fact that I just said that I'm ruled by a very Canadian prime minister

makes me afraid that I am accidentally involved in a kinky dirty movie.

I like being dominated. (what the hell is with all this innuendo)

I may not sound too great, but good bands did come out of me.

I gave birth to Nelly Furtado, Avril Lavigne, and Fefe Dobson.

I also gave the world Nickelback, Sum 41, and Simple Plan.

Okay, maybe my music isn't that great.

I'm real big on the indie scene, though.

I'm also big in general, and I love being on top. (Please, please be the last innuendo of this essay)

Et aussi, j'adore manger les baguettes,

tout comme mon amis, les Francais. Eh.

[GM-Pandora]

Kinda funny..

Small mistake in french:

"tout comme mon amis, les Francais. Eh." -> "tout comme mes amis, les Francais. Eh."

mon = singular possessive pronoun
mes = plural possessive pronoun

[Culex]

french canadian != french from France, we're not fan of "baguettes" here